


Thinking of Me, Thinking of You

by sstwinz



Category: Mr. Selfridge (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/M, I love her, LADY MAE IS ONE OF MY FAVORITE CHARACTERS EVER, One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-29
Updated: 2018-04-29
Packaged: 2019-04-29 11:04:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 910
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14471307
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sstwinz/pseuds/sstwinz
Summary: Mae has become good at ignoring the things she'd rather not think about, but tonight she is unable to stop the thoughts from coming.This is set towards the end of season 4 of Mr. Selfridge on the night when Harry yells at Mae about the Jimmy stuff!Originally written in 2016!





	Thinking of Me, Thinking of You

Mae sat at her vanity, running a brush through her hair. She’d tried to go to bed, but had found herself staring up at the ceiling, unable to sleep. Her hair was already perfectly smooth, but she couldn't think of anything else to do. It was therapeutic in a way. Repetitive. And she liked the feeling of the brush. It was comforting, like someone running their hands through her hair. Like he had that night…

Her eyes drifted to the mirror, and she quickly looked away. The mirror was the worst part of her vanity. For years now, Mae found she couldn't stand looking at herself, so she avoided doing it as much as she could. The vanity mirror was one of only a few left in the house. The other ones were just for decoration, to make her seem more normal, but she needed the vanity mirror to do her hair and makeup in the mornings. But it was easy to focus on the small details while she was doing that, the eyelashes instead of the eyes, the hair instead of the head. Now her makeup was off, and her hair was down. If she looked in the mirror now, she'd have to look at herself. So instead she looked at the wall and focused on brushing her hair.

Maybe she should move, go back to France. She hadn't been happy there, but she wasn’t very happy here either. And there she could get away from everyone, escape from the people who still saw her as some great lady. She was so tired of having to act important. If she went to a place where no one knew her, she wouldn't have to worry about that. She could get lost in the crowd like everyone else. She'd have to give up her work, but she was planning on doing that anyway. She couldn't go back there, not after tonight.

Without realizing, Mae had started brushing more roughly. The brush caught a miniscule tangle in her hair and tears sprung to her eyes from the pain. She tried to blink them away but more came out instead. Her chin trembled and she realized she was crying. Mae hadn't cried, hadn’t  _ really  _ cried, in years. Her mind darted around, trying to think of possible causes. Was she sad because of having to leave her job? She'd loved working so much, it made sense. Or was it because of Victor dying? It had really shaken her. She'd been thinking a lot more about death lately.

But Mae was no fool. She couldn't even fool herself. As much as she was trying to avoid thinking about him, she knew she was crying because of Harry, because she knew she'd never see him again. Because she knew he'd never  _ want _ to see her again, not after what had just happened. 

Why had she been so stupid? She should have told him as soon as she had suspicions, as soon as he started working with Jimmy. That's what friends did, they were open with each other, and though Mae hated to admit it, Harry was the only real friend she had.

Well, she'd screwed it all up now. Their friendship and whatever else they’d been moving towards. She’d seen the look on his face when he left; she wasn't going to get another chance.

Mae finally cleared her tears away enough to see and realized she was facing the mirror. She tried to look away again, but there was something about her face that held her gaze. Something about her eyes. They were the main reason she didn’t like to look in the mirror anymore. They just looked so… depressing. They looked like the eyes of someone who had been through a lot of pain and come out worse for it. That was true, of course, but she hated how it was reflected in her face. She tried to smile, but she couldn’t make it seem like she was happy. Her eyes had lost the sparkle they’d had years ago when there were still things she enjoyed, like singing and helping people get on their feet. She hadn’t done either of those things in a long time.

Looking at her face was about to make her start crying again, so Mae forced herself to tear her eyes away. She picked up the brush and put it to her head, but after the pain of that tangle she didn’t really feel like brushing her hair anymore. She put the brush down and, without anything left to do, went back to bed. She turned off the light but only found herself staring up at the ceiling again. Her mind refused to let go of the evening, running through their conversation line by line. How hurt he’d been. How he’d walked away. How it had been her fault.

She should go, leave tomorrow. Get away to Switzerland or Belgium before he came back to chastise her more or, even worse, forgive her like he always did. He never seemed to stay mad at her long, and she knew that despite the anger on his face he would forgive her again. That was why she couldn’t stay. Because she knew she didn’t deserve his forgiveness.

Mae continued staring upward, trying to plan for the future and how best to run away while her mind kept calling up thoughts of Harry and how badly she wanted to kiss him again.

**Author's Note:**

> DID I MENTION I LOVE LADY MAE???????????????????????????????
> 
> also somehow this might be the first mae x harry fanfic on here SHOCKING


End file.
